Living in an abusive relationship – when is it time to quit? - Pavitra Sampath

‘He loves me, he say he does. Then why is he treating me so badly?’ Well, this is one common misconception or rather notion most women live with — especially in India. This ‘but he loves me’ reasoning has often been the reason behind you giving in to all his demands, accepting his flaws and in some cases even changing yourself to help him love you. Well, it is time we woke up and smelled the coffee, ladies. Abusive men often use this tactic to make you believe that the relationship will get better and they wont repeat the act again. Well, they always do and we convince ourselves that if we stay just a little bit longer, things will get better. So, in this post we will be telling you about abuse in a relationship and when you should get out of it: What is considered abuse? Commonly, hitting or striking a partner is normally considered abuse. But this is not the only kind that exists. While striking someone is called physical abuse there are other kinds like mental, emotional and sexual abuse. In the Indian scenario when a woman says she was abused, she is asked if the man hit her. Unfortunately this is the only way people can understand abuse, since the marks of the act are visible, while the other kinds to do not leave one. Here are different forms abuse can take: Physical abuse: Striking, hitting, burning, punching, kicking or any other kind of physical brutality is considered physical abuse. Ladies, remember that there are those men who will do this without leaving a mark, remember that a visible sign of the trauma is not necessarily a sign that he did what you say he did. You will see a mark only when the trauma is severe and was so brutal that it caused the tiny capillaries beneath your skin to rupture. So remember that having a mark on your skin is not the only proof you have, you can prove abuse by a number of other ways. Mental abuse: This is where the man hurts you without physically hitting you. While in a relationship some things said between a couple can be hurtful. Always being on the receiving end of rude, demeaning, hurtful and belittling comments can be considered emotional abuse. There are also those men who will punish you emotionally by ignoring you, not acknowledging your presence in their life, etc. all this is again a sign of abuse. Incidentally denying sex is also a legal form of abuse. Emotional abuse: Not letting you go out, not allowing you basic human rights like eating, bathing, sleeping , scaring you by making you face your phobias, threatening you or your family, etc. Are all considered emotional abuse. Broadly anything emotionally damaging constitutes emotional abuse. Sexual abuse: This is another form of abuse where the man forces you, against your will to engage in sexual activities. While according to the India laws it is termed as unnatural sex,and they go on to describe the types of sex that are considered ‘unnatural’, but it is necessary for you to understand that any sexual act that you do not want to do, or are uncomfortable with, is sexual abuse When is it okay? Abuse is never okay. We only make it seem okay in our head. One of the most common ways women justify things is by telling themselves that it will get better tomorrow or the day after that. Apart from that, women who have children, reason that they will stay so that their child has a father. Well here is some news for you — It will never get better. Men who abuse you are used to behaving the way they do, it is often a part of their personality. No matter how many times they say sorry or that they will never do it again or say that you’ll can make a new start, know that this is a pattern that will continue for the rest of their life and getting rid of this is not possible. As for the kids, please remember that your child will be living in the middle of all the abuse. He/she will watch your partner abuse you physically/mentally/emotionally. Not only will this scar a child for the rest of their life but will also set the wrong example. It is scientifically proven that boys who have seen their father be abusive towards their mother often repeat the behaviour and girls who have witnessed the same usually have very low self esteem. Moreover, these children are often more emotionally unstable and rebellious. So please understand that it is far better to raise your child alone than to bring them up to become hurt and injured souls. What you should do If you are in a abusive relationship but still want to try and work things out there are a few strategies you can employ, here are some of them: 1. Try to reason it out with your partner: In some cases you may need to tell your partner that you are hurting. This is usually the way to go in cases where you have been emotionally abused. In some cases you may need to tell your partner that his actions are hurtful and that you don’t like it. While in some instances it might not work, in others it might help. 2. Find out why: There are abusive relationships where you probably don’t know why the person who once showered you with love and affection has started treating you badly. In such cases asking the person why he is treating you the way he is, is a good solution. Talking about the ‘why’ of abuse is often a way to heal wounds that might be the reason for his behaviour. Another aspect of this is that if you know why he is treating you badly it is easier for you to understand and deal with the problem. As an extension to this, if the issue is something you can deal with, come up with coping mechanisms together. Things like walking away when he is very angry, controlling your mind when you think you will say something hurtful, having signs that signal a time out so you both can spend some time alone to gauge the extent of the issue work well. 3. Seek professional help: When all else fails, it is time you seek professional help. There are a number of centres that can help with couples counselling. Incidentally, in India visiting a counsellor is looked down upon, but remember social stigmas aside, solving the problem should be your main agenda. If the reason for the abuse is due to some emotional disturbances, behavioural problems or even abuse of substances; professional help is absolutely necessary. It is essential for you to understand that during these counselling sessions your equation with your partner will be checked, the reason for the problems will be deciphered and you will be given solutions and techniques to deal with the problem. Signs that it is time to leave There are times when it is time to quit and leave the relationship. While most women tend to put this off for a while and try to mend the relationship even when it is in complete disarray, knowing when to give up is absolutely important — for your safety and sanity. Here are some signs that you need to leave the relationship. 1. When you have changed so much you are no longer the same person: Let’s accept it, we all change when we are in a relationship or marriage. It is okay to change a bit to allow the other person to feel comfortable but it is important for you to realise when that change is one-sided, and you are the only one making all the effort. Soon all your giving in, making up and placating will lead to you losing yourself. When you see that you are no more the same person you were, it is time to leave. 2. If you are depressed all the time and have had suicidal thoughts: Abuse can leave a person sapped of energy and depressed. When you see that you are depressed all the time, start hating yourself, have suicidal thoughts or even stop interacting with other people, it is probably time you walked out. This is not only a way for you to help your mind and body deal with the onslaught, but living a life like that is definitely not worth it. Know that long periods of depression and emotional abuse can lead to several health complications. Moreover, if you are having suicidal thoughts, it could lead to death. 3. If you have been physically hurt: When a man hits you, it is time to leave. Do not try to justify it in your head. When a person strikes you, irrespective of the intensity of it, it is time to leave. This is because a person who hits you once will do it again. And the next time you might not be as lucky. 4. If you feel that taking your life is the only way out: This is a common feature of women who are abused. Often women who are married feel that they would rather take their lives than live in the relationship. These women are often trapped and feel that they need to choose between societal stigma and their abusive partner. Here, it is important for you to realise that living is the most important thing and your courage to walk out will be lauded. Moreover remember that it is you who is living a life of hell, the society is not there to rescue you. You are the only one in the space. 5. If you live with the fear of him being around you or of doing something to aggravate him: If you spend each moment of your day fearing his return home, it is clearly a sign that this is not a healthy relationship. Being scared of someone you are supposed to love is not the way it should work. This fear can often manifest as hatered and anger as well. Whatever the situation, if you feel these emotions towards your partner, it is time to leave. 6. If you have lost self-esteem and think you are worthless: Any form of abuse is often followed with degradation. A woman who is abused is told that it is her fault, that she is the reason for his outbursts, that she is the one that infuriates him, etc. All of this crushes a woman’s self-esteem making her feel worthless. Also, this is a common tactic used by controlling and over-possessive men. These men want to make the other person feel inferior and completely dependent therefore making sure that she never leaves him. If you feel like you are worth nothing, have a crushed self-esteem, start making yourself believe that the abuse is because of you, it is time to leave. Remember you are a person and deserve respect, no matter what the case may be. Lastly, in India the ratio of women being abused is far greater than the number of men who are. Therefore this article is written with tips for women. If you are a man who is in an abusive relationship, the same advice would apply to you as well. Recognise the symptoms and leave while you can